Ok all you Goddamn furniture folks- What. The. Fuck? In the age of technology, them Internets, Google, etc., why the fuck does it take so long for you to get my stuff to me, not to mention having your head up your ass all along the way?

The Rib and I went to The Only Furniture Store That Carried The Table We Wanted. Naturally, after a long and exhaustive search, we were somewhat excited that we finally found the exact table set we wanted. At first, the process was pretty painless. Walked in, got greeted by Crazy Eyed Liz (no shit. She had a glass, marble, or cornea-scarred eye that looked like the one used by the villain in every Hollywood movie. Ever made.), found the table, went back to find Crazy Eyed Liz, put the down payment on the thing, and then began to wait for the 6 - 8 weeks (why so damn long?!). A couple of days later, I emailed Crazy Eye to see if she can send a photo of the table, as we want to shop for a buffet that will match. Amazingly, a table was found and we scheduled a delivery! Woo hoo! Ah, but I would not be posting if all went smoothly. Therefore, let me just start by saying FUCK & OH JOY! Here we go with more happiness inserted into my life courtesy of Lay-Z-Joy (not affiliated with Lay-Z-Boy furniture).

The day before the delivery, Lay-Z-Joy called to say that the table has scratches on it and they do not want to give that one to us as our permanent table. However, they are willing to deliver it anyway and we can use it as a loaner. Pretty nice, right? Well, they call and leave this message at 4:Fucking57pm, so when I call them back at 5:Fucking01pm, no one is there to answer my question. Are they still coming tomorrow? I have not told them their solution is okay, so how do they know if they should still come? The helpful receptionist looks into the computer and sees that I am still scheduled. Ok, fine. So I schedule to be home that day.

The day of the delivery, whilst eagerly waiting within my 'window' of delivery, I get a call from Lay-Z-Joy saying the Delivery Driver not only said the table is in worse condition than described, he cannot find the legs. Who is the Fucking Genius that allowed that item to be in the system in the first place? Anyway, the lady on the phone graciously tells me they will not charge me for the redelivery. (blink) (blink) (blink) What? The. Fuck. Are. You. Talking. About?! THERE WAS NO GODDAMN DELIVERY!!! Of course you won't charge me for 'another' delivery you fucking imbecile!!!

So we are back to 6 - 8 weeks. In the meantime, I get to play Email Tag with Crazy Eye in order to get refunded for the remaining balance until our table actually arrives.

Then Crazy Eye calls two weeks later. She must be multitasking: looking into the future with her magic eye and trying to tell me what the fuck is going on with my order. She is completely scatter-brained. After a lengthy phone call consisting of Crazy Eye stopping and starting mid-sentence to finally say she THINKS our table is in and would we like to schedule a delivery. I ask her to find out if the table is actually in a condition to deliver, or are we going to repeat our last experience. It takes her over the weekend to get back to us, but she talks to The Rib and says the warehouse manager will check it 'before it goes out on Wed.' No no no no nononononononononoooooooooo! This is what happened last time. I wanted your stupid fucking non-customer service, crazy eyed, Miss Cleo future-reading, ADHD ass to find out if the table, oh I don't know, has fucking legs, a top, chairs, etc. Or do I get to schedule time at home again, only to find out I am not being delivered the same, scratched, legless table? So today, I email Crazy Eye so I have a 'paper trail' so to speak. I explain the concerns I have and to get back to me. I even offer to call the warehouse myself if she will provide the number.

Waiting to see what happens. Crazy Eye says 'Yes', Magic Eight Ball says 'Future Unclear'.

***Side note to you furniture fucks. When my table does not come in on time, please, for the love of all creatures on Earth and to satisfy The Will of Whatever Higher Power You Believe In, DO NOT offer to deliver the chairs only. This has happened BOTH TIMES I have ordered a table. Please make it stop. It would be like a car dealer offering to deliver your tires while you wait for your vehicle to be delivered. Thanks but no fucking thanks.***


*** UPDATE ***

We finally got our new kitchen table and it looks fantastic! Everything went as planned-- smooth from beginning to end! Thanks Lay-Z-Joy Furniture!

Raise your hand if you believe one fucking word of that paragraph. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? Didn't think so. So, AGAIN, the day of the delivery, whilst eagerly waiting within my "window", Crazy Eye calls and asks me, "Didn't 'they' call you"?

"Who", I ask.

"The Delivery Guys." she says.

"Why, no. 'The Delivery Guys' did not call me." I say

Silence.

A sigh.

Then she begins to explain to me that my table, again, is not in a condition to deliver. 'The Delivery Guys' were supposed to call me, why didn't 'they' call me, why do I have such a crazy-ass eye, etc. I sit and just listen to her stammer and apologize. And when she is done, I am still silent-- just letting the uncomfortable ness sit in the air, becoming thicker and thicker with each second.

Another sigh.

So I break the silence to give Crazy Eye Liz a piece of my mind. Did I not just spend the past five days playing phone tag and emailing you to ensure this did not happen again? Why, as a customer, have I wasted so much of my time trying to fix YOUR quality control process. Why is there a quality control problem in the first place? Why do you make people schedule deliveries for furniture that you have not checked to see if it is of a condition to be delivered in the first place? Why have I spend two days at home waiting for a delivery that did not happen because you assholes cannot check the condition of the fucking piece before the fucking day of the goddamn delivery?!!!

So Crazy Eye says that maybe we should just cancel the order. Hey, great salesmanship and customer service Crazy Eye. But unfortunately, I really like this table and you guys are the only ones that have it. So instead of giving me my money back, why don't you, me, and your fucking Crazy Eye not speak again until Lay-Z-Joy Furniture has 100% A-Fucking-Plus Quality table to deliver to me. How's that? Huh? Ok?

Then, I spend a couple minutes telling her that there is a serious disconnect between the sales staff and the warehouse idiots. She replies that this happens 'all the time'. Whoa! Stop talking. You are not making me feel better. Then she says, "And 7 other people are waiting for your exact same table." HEY! STOP FUCKING TALKING! Oh my fucking Lord. You keep making it worse! She then says she will have a manager call me later in the day. Whatever. Great.

So we agree not to speak again until I am guaranteed they have a table for me. BUT WAIT! Then she says, (altogether now).... "Would you like them to deliver the chairs today?"

OH JOY! JOY! FUCKING JOY!!!! I must be on a hidden camera show! This is too fucking funny!!! This makes the 3rd time someone has asked me this (both times my table wasn't delivered and once with another company). So I explain to Crazy Eye my Chairs-Only Delivery Option Philosophy, using my automobile example, and tell her how unbelievably stupid that offer is, and to not do it again to ANYONE. I suggest we hang up now before things get worse (HA!).

Manager never calls. It's been 3 weeks. Still no table.

Joy.

*** UPDATE ***

So Crazy Eye calls and The Rib answers. Crazy Eye asks, "Are you sitting down?"

"Why no I am not Crazy Eye. I don't have a table and chairs to do so. Although, maybe if I had taken your offer to have just the chairs delivered, I could be sitting down... with no table." This is what The Rib wanted to say.

Anyway, she says our table is in and they can deliver on Wed. BUT, of course we still do not have confirmation that our table is in condition to deliver. Crazy Eye says she will email the warehouse manager, etc. Ok folks. Why the fuck has this not been done yet?! WHY do we keep scheduling deliveries for furniture that has not been through the "quality" control process?!! Whatever. I am done trying to make this work.

So we get a copy of "the email" and it basically says just to double check the item before it goes out. This, of course, will not help me if the table is damaged as they will not inform me until I am already at home. Warehouse manager never emails back.

Crazy Eye says Yes. Magic Eight Ball says Future Unclear.

*** UPDATE ***

Lay-Z-Joy Delivery Guy just called to say he is 30 mins away. So we wait and see...

*** UPDATE ***

Yes, we finally have a table. For real. Looks really good. BUT, Lay-Z-Joy could not help but fuck up a couple more times. First, they still charged me for delivery even though I was promised they would take that charge off, for my troubles. Next, the delivery guy tells me I owe a balace. Yes, I know. (Blank stare). Then he puts out his hand. (Blank stare). He says, "You need to write me a check." Uh, no I don't Asshole. The Plan was to charge the remaining balance on my credit card once delivered. So Asshole relunctantly calls his boss, who speaks to me like he is doing me some big fucking favor by allowing me to pay by credit card. Hey Dipshit. Did Crazy Eye forget to pass that info on as well? Not surprising. So charge my fucking card, leave my home, and let's never see one another (crazy eye or not) again.

End result: Very happy with the table. Extermemly disappointed and frustrated with the furniture store, whom I lovingly call Lay-Z-Joy (really, NOT affiliated with the real store of the same sounding name).

Fuck you and farewell Crazy Eye, Dipshit, Asshole and all you other Incompetent Fucks.